"The One"

I am not feeling any sort of intense emotion right now, but I'm feeling like October 25, 2012 is pivotal in my personal development, so I have to write something.

I think people believe in fairy tales a little more than they'd like to own up to. People keep telling me that you'll just know when you've found 'the one.' But, I've felt like I've found the 'the one' three times now, and I don't care to share how that went for me. Please don't judge me if I think that some just marry because hormones confuse the living daylight out of them, and others, like me, get old and tired, and latch onto the health benefits.

I don't want any of this resurrected, but I'm sure it will be when kingdom come. As far as I can see and tell, I've been separating the the spirit from the body's will. I am no Eve, and I loathe her likenesses because there is no place for them in this world. I can transcend fear and hate but not passion. And, isn't this the very thing that has perplexed men for ages. Why can't we control this body, knowing we are not it? We are spirit.

I'm surprised by how disgruntled I was with trying to alter my mind and body to desire singleness. I see more evil than good that comes out of romantic relationships. It looks like the ultimate cage.

Unglued

This is response poem to receiving love and acceptance from Rock Mcilvain, a new father figure in my life.

I couldn't quite continue the way I was,
and to my knowledge, nothing was wrong,
but I was stuck--
stuck with this feeling that nothing mattered
much

It's such a sad place to be really,
that 'I could do better, but I don't really want to' state.
And, everything around you is designed to atropy
without you, the gardener, to set it right

I stayed there.

And, then I looked at what I could be, and I prayed.

And, I stayed there.

And, then I reasoned why I should change, asked for prayer, prayed.

And, then stayed there.

Well, not really stayed. I was fine for a day or maybe a few hours,
but then the sadness and despondency grew in me again.

Why do we with all our needs met, education and choices feel sad?
Love's waxed cold.
My core was dried, solidified.
My earth was not the moving flames that it should be until he said
he loved me.

And, my heart returned to what it was, a flowering strub
for beauty and touch -- moving the life and the blood
for others

for others.

---

A New Thing

I've always seen the light in my eyes as the good pleasure of others.
What does it serve for me, when I hardly see myself.

I am a new thing, a being, a flame of love.
Shall I burn or I warm you?